Angry?
Do you often lose your temper and say things you wish you hadn't? Are you left feeling confused about why you were so angry to begin with? If you answered yes, then you are not alone. Read on and discover the answers to the questions: "Why do I get so angry?" and "How do I learn to pause and think about what I say before I speak?" Also find out three key steps to living a happier life with less regret.
Managing anger is very important for us to be able to live a peaceful, happy, and guilt-free life. Unpleasant emotions can wreak havoc in our daily lives, especially the all-too-familiar emotion we call anger. When we're angry, it is hard to control what we say. Words seem to pop out of our mouth before we realize what we've said. Learning the skills that help us manage this emotion gives us a sense of control over our day-to-day lives.
How do you feel when you're in the middle of an argument? Does it sometimes seem as if you must not care about the words that are coming out of your mouth, especially when those words are aimed at someone you care about? We want you to realize that this is not the truth. We believe that you care a great deal about what you say. If you didn't, you wouldn't be reading this article or feeling regretful about what you said in the heat of the moment. Knowing the motivations behind your words is the key to having more control over upset and conflicts.
The Root Cause of the Anger
Throughout our lifetime, we create our own beliefs pertaining to ourselves and others. Some may be quite limiting. Living our lives from these limiting beliefs can make us angry and cause us to say things we later regret. Overcoming these limitations takes three things:
We first need to become aware of how our limiting beliefs can warp our perception of the world around us. Then, we need to be able to notice when we are starting to be controlled by these beliefs. Once we have discovered these limiting beliefs, we can then create conscious intentions about how to respond to situations that will be more in harmony with who we really are.
If you don't take the time to follow these steps, you will keep repeating the same reactions without ever figuring out why.
By holding to our limiting beliefs, we often react in anger before we completely assess the situation. The two primary reasons for anger tend to be that we either want a situation to be going a certain way, usually opposite from the way it's going, or because we have allowed one of our limiting beliefs to take control. Quite often both concepts are at work.
Can You Determine You're Limiting Beliefs?
We can tell when we arrive at one of our core limiting beliefs because they often sound something like this: "People are so selfish and I don't matter at all,' 'I'm not competent and people expect way more than I can do,' 'I'm helpless and people can be dangerous." Sometimes, it is a mixture of these or a combination of other similar statements. Yours may sound similar or some variation of these themes.
No one we know (including ourselves) is completely devoid of this type of limiting belief. We are not saying these are negative things, or that we need to understand the reasons they exist, or even that they need to be fixed.
There is good news, and it's that a belief is just something you think about over and over and over again. All you really need to do is begin thinking of things that are different. The easiest way to do this is to become conscious of your limiting beliefs so that you can cease being controlled by them and start creating the things you want in your life.
There are far too many reasons why we end up reacting the way we do to fully discuss them in this article. Read our "how-to" points below to help you get started on consciously responding, rather than habitually reacting to situations in your life. We hope they will help!
First, it would help if you understood how we created these limiting beliefs in the first place. In the video, "How to Reclaim Your Authentic Happiness," we describe how we encounter situations early in life and misinterpret them. These new interpretations become our limiting beliefs. These limitations are stored in our subconscious and become habitual. Even when we no longer remember the event, we still react based these beliefs.
Second, it is critical to gain clarity about the things that are most important to you or your deeply held values. We offer a free worksheet that can help you to discover what you value and what is essential to your happiness. Do this exercise and the next time you begin to experience upset, you can ask yourself, "Is how I'm acting in this moment in harmony with what's most important to me?" If it's not, come up with at least one thing you can do that would be in harmony with your values.
Third, start investigating the precise thoughts you are having right before you feel yourself getting upset--before it has a chance to turn ugly. Start to notice how your body feels during those times. Do you feel sensations in your body? Where exactly? Practice putting these sensations into words and until they become very familiar to you.
To sum up, use your feelings of discomfort as an early warning system. Remember to return to your values. They will lead you to outcomes that you most desire. As we talked about earlier in the article, "Are you angry? Good!" anger can be used as an integral part of our emotional guidance system. Do not suppress it, but use it to find those values that may be missing in your life and in all tense situations.
