Comforting Someone Who Is Crying : Eight Cliches To Avoid

When people try to comfort others who are upset and crying they usually mean well. However sometimes the things they say not only don't help, they may actually make the situation worse.
Here are some of the worst things someone can say when attempting to comfort another. You will also find variations on the comment that are common, what the message is you are sending the crier, and what their reactions you might see. I hope this helps you to know what to avoid and "Say the Right Thing."

1. "I know just how you feel, when this happened to me blah, blah, blah."

Variations on this theme

My friend went through the same thing.
Everyone goes through this at one time in his or her life.

What the person crying is hearing

They are not special.
This is no big deal.

Possible reactions of the person crying

Feeling ignored, brushed off.
Attempts to hide feelings.
Anger

2. "Everything will be ok."

Variations on this theme

They will get over this.
It's not as bad as they think

What the person crying is hearing

Don't worry.
You're exaggerating.
It's not such a big thing.

Possible reactions of the person crying

Feeling Patronized
Making light of the problems.
Anger

3. "It's time to move forward."

Variations on this theme:
You will get through this.
Put it behind you.
Just let it go

What the person crying is hearing.

They should be over it by now.
They are taking too long to heal.
Their crying is going on too long.

Possible reactions of the person crying

Feels criticized
Self doubt
Feels this as an attack on self-esteem.
Anger

4. "You will feel better soon."

Variations on this theme

You will be ok.
It will be over soon.
You will be fine.

What the person crying is hearing.

It's not so bad.
You are taking this too seriously.
There is nothing to cry about.

Possible reactions of the person crying

Feeling patronized
Anger
Not believing you.

5. "Please don't cry you are making yourself more upset."

Variations on this theme

Try to get a hold of yourself
Don't get so upset.
You will make yourself sick.
You should calm down.

What the person crying is hearing

Crying is bad.
They are out of control.
They are at risk of loosing control.

Possible reactions of the person crying

Attempts to control crying that don't work.
Worry that they are overreacting.
Fear for themselves.
Anger at you.

6. Any attempts to change the subject.

Variations on this theme

Anything that ignores what the person crying is saying.
What the person crying is hearing
You don't want to listen.
Crying is unacceptable.
They shouldn't talk about upsetting things.

Possible reactions of the person crying

Attempts to control crying that don't work.
Worry that they are overreacting.
Fear for themselves.
Embarrassment
Anger at you.

7. How about if I make you a cup of tea (coffee etc)?

Variations on this theme

Can I get you something?
Do you want to rest?

What the person crying is hearing

You don't them to continue talking
Crying is unacceptable
This is a minor situation

Possible reactions of the person crying

Feels ignored or brushed off
Shut down, stop talking
Anger at you

8. Do you want me to call your therapist, priest etc

Variations on this theme

"You need to talk to your therapist about this."
Taking the person to the hospital for a crisis appointment.
Calling another person in to talk to the person.

What the person crying is hearing

They are so upset you need a professional
You are not interested.
You are unable to deal with this (or don't want to)
They are sick or weak.
They are out of control.

Possible reactions of the person crying

Attempts to quiet self that don't work.
Worry that they are sick.
Anger at you.

As you can see, offering clichés like the examples given above will not help the situation or the distressed person. In fact they often make things worse. The person crying may become angry or totally shut down.

Most of these attempts listed signify the discomfort of the person trying to help. Becoming comfortable with someone who is crying, allowing the expression of feelings, and using the powerful tool of empathy are your best bets; silence also works.

Avoid clichés!